Author: Brooke Rosenau
Discipline is arguably the most controversial of parenting topics. If you own a TV or computer, or don’t live alone in a dark hole, chances are you’ve heard about the Adrian Peterson incident that has been in the headlines. Many have taken to social media and other mediums to share their opinions. And some people’s opinions are truly shocking.
I am not in the least surprised by people defending spanking. It is common in this country, especially growing up in the location and culture that I did. I was spanked, my husband was spanked, most people I know were spanked. But what’s shocked me is what exactly people are defending, even advocating, for. And while I enthusiastically defend freedom of speech and having the right to voice our opinions, I couldn’t shake how disturbed I was by what I was hearing and reading. So I decided to see what facts are out there. What do we really know about spanking and corporal punishment? Am I the one who is misinformed?
Spanking, by many definitions, is striking a child once or twice on the bottom or limbs with an open hand. But apparently to some, spanking is quite an umbrella of things. Beating with a stick, tree branch, belt, paddle, or variety of other objects. At any strength or number of times, leaving any sort of damage. Yes, people I know, in real life, were both defending and advocating for a parent’s right to punish their child in any of these manners they see fit.
But is it really their right? An adult doesn’t have the right to do those things to another adult. Why does that not apply to a child? Are they not people, too? Do they not have human rights? And besides those issues, what does the evidence tell us? Is spanking or harsher punishments effective? What risks and consequences go with them?
One of the first things I found with just a simple Google search is that the American Academy of Pediatrics strongly recommends against spanking of all kinds. The second thing I learned is that this is an area where we have a solid amount of research, and the findings are overwhelmingly similar. Spanking is linked with a whole host of negative consequences, and is not effective.
These negative consequences include aggression, poor emotional regulation, poor empathy, depression, addiction, drug and alcohol abuse, and antisocial and criminal behaviors.
It has been shown that children who are spanked have decreased amount of grey matter in the prefrontal cortex of the brain compared to their non-spanked peers. This area is important when it comes to self-regulation, decision-making, rewards and consequences, and even IQ scores.
One study showed maternal spanking at age five was associated with higher levels of child externalizing behavior four years later. And paternal high frequency spanking was associated with lower child receptive vocabulary scores at age nine.
Another showed that parents who continued spanking into the school years had the children with the worst behavior problems and the least positive parent child relationships.
Another demonstrated that children who were spanked at age three were more likely to be aggressive at age five.
Each study I read did attempt to control for other factors. One common one was children who are just more difficult, defiant, or aggressive to begin with. Unfortunately spanking was shown to just make these children even more difficult, defiant, and aggressive. Which only led to more spanking and increasingly harsh punishments.
How would you feel if someone you trust and love suddenly hit you? What about with a belt? Or a tree branch? Left you bleeding, bruised, and naked? Would that make you respect them? Would that teach you how you’re supposed to behave? Violence has no place in a loving relationship. Trust and respect is not forced into people through fear and pain. And what is that mirroring to our children?! When someone does something wrong, when we don’t get our way, when we get frustrated, we hit people? And if that doesn't work we hit them harder? We find an object or weapon to inflict enough pain and fear that we knock them into submission? Perfect, sign me up for that! Just the lesson our children need!
In the Adrian Peterson case, the child who was hit was being punished for pushing another child over a video game. I wonder where he learned that pushing was an acceptable solution to a conflict. You know how we’ll teach him not to push? By beating the shit out of him. Nothing teaches a child how to be non-violent like some good old-fashioned violence.
“But I’m spanking my child nicely!” Studies did show that the more frequently and more brutal the punishments, the more likely the negative consequences. And these were even more likely when parents were angry or cold when carrying out the punishment and in a home environment that was not otherwise loving and nurturing. But even mild, infrequent spanking was linked with higher frequency of negative outcomes compared to children who were not. And in one study that addressed different severity of punishments over time, mild spanking in one year was a clear risk factor for harsher punishment in the next.
“But it works!” Actually the studies we have show that other methods are more effective. Yes, hitting your child (or anyone) will likely make them immediately stop whatever they’re doing. But that doesn’t mean it is effective in the long run or you’ve taught them anything. With these practices, we’re teaching them to obey an external control. It’s much more effective to guide their internal control to help them navigate right from wrong.
So if there’s a risk of negative consequence and there are other options that are more effective, why are so many people spanking?
Because “I WAS SPANKED AND I’M FINE!” This one is so incredibly difficult for me to understand. How on earth can anyone find that rational? I used to drive drunk and I’m fine. My friend drove drunk at three times the legal limit and he’s fine! Does that mean drunk driving is safe, good practice, should be allowed, or advised? Absolutely not!
And let’s talk about “fine.” As we’ve now learned, many of these effects are mental, behavioral, and cognitive. As we also know, our society still has a huge stigma problem with these topics. Who wants to admit to themselves or others that they’re not fine? Your anxiety, depression, anger, paranoia, drug use, drinking problem, relationship problem, etc. is just fine and dandy. In fact we sometimes praise or see these as desirable, respectable behaviors, especially in men. There is nothing “manly” about these issues. Sometimes when people look or say they’re “fine” they’re really not.
I’m not arguing that every single person who was ever spanked, even abused, will have all these problems. Even if you ARE indeed “fine” that doesn’t negate the evidence and problem that others are not. It also doesn’t mean you are the person you are today because you were spanked or abused. How barbaric is it that our culture believes the harder you are hit the better person you will be? It is in spite of this that you are the person you are today.
“But my parents and grandparents and great-grandparents all hit their kids.” So surely we should stop evolving and growing and revert to all things, especially parenting tactics, that people of these generations did (sarcasm). Nothing in our history has ever come to be later proven wrong (double sarcasm). When data comes out we should absolutely ignore it if it goes against the way we’ve always done things (triple sarcasm). I didn’t realize our genealogy has become a contest of who can smack their offspring around the best.
It’s also been established that children who were hit by their parents are more likely to hit an intimate partner or their children. As well as be more likely to be victims of intimate partner violence themselves. Which is not hard to understand. Its mind boggling that we can agree with “Daddy loves me, but he hits me when I’m bad, but when we replace “daddy” with “husband” everyone wants to ask “why does she stay?”
You can see how this cycle just perpetuates, and the next generation continues on this sick legacy. I think we innately want to protect and uphold our parents and family history, but it’s okay to say, “they did the best they could, but they were wrong.” When we know better, we do better. It doesn't mean they were bad parents or didn’t love us.
“But by not spanking my children, won’t they will grow up to be “pussy fuck heads”!?” (I’m not making this up, people really say things like that). Not spanking does not equal not disciplining. Let me repeat that, not spanking does not equal not disciplining. It’s not as if our only two options are violence or nothing. I think this is one of the main obstacles in getting parents on board with not spanking. But with a little research and trial, parents will find there are many options. And by exploring these I think we will find our parenting toolboxes much fuller and our patience much greater, as well as our outcomes much better and relationships much stronger.
“So you’re saying when I stop spanking (or don’t start) my child will grow a unicorn horn and the sky will open with rainbows and butterflies?” If so, by all means, take a picture! Toddlers and children are exactly that, toddlers and children. They are programmed to test boundaries and there will be tantrums and outbursts and times of bad behavior no matter what parenting style you choose. If you have expectations otherwise, maybe you need to rethink your expectations or revisit normal child development and behavior.
Parenting is HARD! There will be days when we lose our patience and say or do things we will not be proud of. But the idea here is to discipline our children with respect. Choose to set boundaries and methods of enforcing them that don’t demean, belittle, humiliate, or harm. So that when they are faced with conflicts with their peers they will do the same. And if they choose to be in intimate relationships or have children of their own someday, they will do the same. Think of the impact that could have on the next generation.
If you still insist that spanking is important to you and the best form of discipline, at least be aware of what research shows us. Stop using completely irrational, illogical, groundless excuses. And please, stop telling me that my not using violence to discipline my child is the problem with the world today.
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2013/10/16/peds.2013-1227.full.pdf
http://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx
http://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/Pages/Spanking-Linked-to-Mental-Illness.aspx
http://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/family-dynamics/communication-discipline/Pages/Disciplining-Your-Child.aspx
http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/12/131211103958.htm
http://psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201309/research-spanking-it-s-bad-all-kids
http://www.parentingscience.com/spanking-children.html.
http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1983895,00.html
http://humansciences.okstate.edu/facultystaff/Larzelere/nztabconts.47.pdf
http://huffpost.com/us/entry/1649770
